Archive 6

People running around screaming? That's ok - it means Pgh's going to the AFC championships

--Schmarty

Back in Pgh and on the phlog with a vengeance matched only by my ugliness

--Schmarty

What the Damn Hell

I get on the interwebs at around 6pm to gloat about being Somewhere around here (San Pedro, Belize on the isle of Ambergris Caye), only the find that my website isn't responding.

Thinking it's the whacky satellite internet connection, I say "enh" and go eat dinner and enjoy a relaxing stroll on the beach and the excellent sounds of some island music.

I return and check again, only to find it still not working, while many other pages do. My paranoia gets the better of me and I start trying to figure out whether my box is down.

SSH in to it..... and it works! Magic! So what the fuck is up with the web server?

Try to get a webpage locally, and it doesn't work! What the fuck?

Answer: Tomcat was dead. It had crashed. Many bad things. So, I killed some zombie process it had left hanging on to its port, restarted it, and websites return victorious.

I don't know what happened. I don't blame me, though. Anyway, clearly it is back up, now.

--Schmarty

Peace Out! Going to the Yucatan!!

--Schmarty

Oh God, indeed

--Schmarty

Falling down is common in Pgh... Ice attacks feet, then hands and ass

--Schmarty

Mile long maki.

--Schmarty

Amy Has Something To Say

Earlier today, Amy didn't want to eat at the local pub/restaurant Silky's, saying, "All the food there is 'pokey'".

Now, at around 1am, after having eaten some seemingly excellent potatoes-with-cheese, and french fries, she would like to add to her statement:

"After eating all of that pokey food, my mouth feels injured and sore.... all of that salt... I just ate some chocolate and I didn't enjoy it."

... I just thought the internet should know.

--Schmarty (the asshole)

Sofa King Adorabile

--Schmarty

Deaf and loving it

--Schmarty

Drink up, Happy Motherfucker!!

--Schmarty

Pimp Hat Johnny

--Schmarty

Corporate New Years means my wallet asplode

--Schmarty

What are we about to eat, anyway?

--Schmarty

Can you find maki?

--Schmarty

Captain Insano

--Schmarty

Fancy talking Elmo for the unborn!

--Schmarty

x3

--Schmarty

x2

--Schmarty

XTreme XMas Action

--Schmarty

Washed out friends at wendy's

--Schmarty

Hey Amy - should I buy this?

--Schmarty

Wedding breakfast for me & my dad's fam.

--Schmarty

Tuxx0r'd!!

--Schmarty

Perfectly wrapped! Thanx laura!

--Schmarty

Rehearsal dinner at Mamma Rosa's for extreme pasta satisfaction!

--Schmarty

Scenic hotel views in Cookeville, TN

--Schmarty

A clock growing slowly out of the wall

--Schmarty

Still snow everywhere

--Schmarty

Pittsburgh fridge action

--Schmarty

A snowman cannot be killed... It was murdered!

--Schmarty

Snetto ghowman

--Schmarty

My car has a mohawk

--Schmarty

My car don't give a fuck

--Schmarty

My street

--Schmarty

Snow is a food group

--Schmarty

Fucking beutiful

--Schmarty

Welcome to squirrel hill - forbes avenue

--Schmarty

Look, for real, it's a lot of snow

--Schmarty

4 inches of snow, with more on the way

--Schmarty

Never seen people this excited about snow, and i'm from Nashville

--Schmarty

Dinner and debauchery

--Schmarty

Classroom : acquired!

--Schmarty

When your classroom has no power - steal from others! We migrate!

--Schmarty

Bloody Murray

--Schmarty

TAD watching Boondocks

--Schmarty

Hangover grub patrol

--Schmarty

Woah?

--Schmarty

Forgetting to phlog means i am drunk

--Schmarty

Cape cod xtreme

--Schmarty

Cufflink confusion

--Schmarty

ready to roll

--Schmarty

July in christmas

--Schmarty

Fancy party action

--Schmarty

Snowball = gin + ouzo + milk

--Schmarty

Giant 'nogtini

--Schmarty

'nogtini!

--Schmarty

Holy fuck!

--Schmarty

Holy shit!

--Schmarty

Holy crap!

--Schmarty

The many seasons of the abandoned-with-windows-down car near my house

--Schmarty

Abandoned carts locked by invisible fencing. Fucking awesome. By which I mean 'Fuck you, the store is about 20 yards from this spot.'

--Schmarty

This is the stupidest goddamn piece of electronic bullshit that i have ever seen in my life. You may be getting one for christmas.

--Schmarty

Liquor on Sunday? It's a goddamn miracle!

--Schmarty

Conspirators

--Schmarty

Communal bathing

--Schmarty

Hot cats waiting for YOU 2

--Schmarty

Turkey-pepperoni-pasta-quesadilla

--Schmarty

Hot cats are waiting for YOU!

--Schmarty

Steel mill action

--Schmarty

Model Kennywood

--Schmarty

Making bubbles from soap & liquid nitrogen

--Schmarty

Liquid nitrogen madness

--Schmarty

1.2 million volts (why couldn't it be 1.21 gigawatts?)

--Schmarty

Pouring 1200 degrees of molten metal

--Schmarty

Learning how to cast with aluminum

--Schmarty

think it's cold enough?

--Schmarty

This has been going on for hours and hours

--Schmarty

Happy catsgiving

--Schmarty

We already damn ate it!

--Schmarty

A trio of beggars

--Schmarty

Holy Fuck, it has snowed!!!

--Schmarty

Grubstation Z

--Schmarty

Dental werk. Damn, my mouth is numb.

--Schmarty

Baked Ono on a bed of andouille sausage and black bean risotto. Damn. Yes.

--Schmarty

'bout to ride this incline

--Schmarty

Pgh from the incline

--Schmarty

Sometimes I buy stupid things and then drink them.

--Schmarty

What the shit?

Are people pasting emails into my news poster? Or spamming it thinking it's gonna mail things? What the damn hell?

--Schmarty

Mad science

--Schmarty

Shitloads of storage containers in the Wal-Mart lot.... Wtf for?

--Schmarty

Steak 'n' Shake with the best service, ever (I say that non-sarcastically, for once)

--Schmarty

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The bridge to consumer culture

--Schmarty

Douchebag McFuckface

--Schmarty

Damn, that was good

--Schmarty

Like, 20 lbs of chocolate cake

--Schmarty

This cat is hiding in the ceiling!!!

--Schmarty

Non-burnt Grubula

--Schmarty

Late night dentistry!

--Schmarty

Nitro hearts marty

--Schmarty

Work is hard with a cat sitting on your wrists

--Schmarty

Stoner meal action

--Schmarty

Trash = best cat toys, ever

--Schmarty

Detective office front!

--Schmarty

Cool shit @ CJ

--Schmarty

Oh sweet God!

--Schmarty

Pretty good hand, if it weren't the passing game

--Schmarty

And now we're all shrinking

--Schmarty

Now it's just getting silly

--Schmarty

Giant poker.com

--Schmarty

The drink makin' brigade

--Schmarty

Auto-timed capture is a pain

--Schmarty

More doom over Pgh

--Schmarty

Buffy night crew

--Schmarty

Pittsburgh is covered in DOOOOOOM!

--Schmarty

The deadly haunted LED sign of the 61B

--Schmarty

Dumbass of a system administrator

--Schmarty

Storm's a-brewin'

--Schmarty

Showtime series = sex on tv

--Schmarty

Lava Lounge theme is 'the inside of a volcano'.. Get it? Look, it's fucking dark in here, what am I supposed to take pictures of?

--Schmarty

Dark dance floor... Just like they had in the 80s!

--Schmarty

Disco Turd?

--Schmarty

Lava Like a Muthafucka

--Schmarty

Maki is such a baby

--Schmarty

We're so much cuter than you :P

--Schmarty

Best. Day. Ever.

Here was the plan:

1) do morning things (wake up, shower, dress, eat)
2) check my bank balance
3) go get my phone's battery replaced
4) go to the DMV to get my PA license
5) trade in our cable modem for one that doesn't suck

Here's what happened:

1) woke up
2) checked bank balance
...
...
why do I have over $1200 in outstanding transactions?
3) shower, dress
4) go to bank. ask the question from above.
ANSWER: someone bought $1040 from one website, $230 from another. i must wait until the transactions clear before I can dispute them. come back when they clear. meanwhile, wait for new card (5-7 days).
5) okay. please to cancel my card and issue me a new one.
6) break up the old one on the way home
7) look up these companies and call the first (the one w/ $1040 of my money):
reply: "well, those items have shipped, we can't stop them. tell your bank that they are not your orders, they will issue us a chargeback. you'll get the money back, then"
8) Fuck.
9) Go to T-Mobile store to replace my battery. They do not have/sell batteries nor do they deal with warranty or equipment replacement.
10) Go home and call the second company (being on west coast time, they have just opened). The person there is quite mortified at the situation ("We never even GET orders that big"). Goes to investigate and promises to call me back.
11) Call a T-Mo store. They will be happy to look at my phone or sell me a battery, but warn that a replacement will be coming by mail if I do a warranty check. That being the case, I ask for the number I can call to replace it.
12) Call this number. Find that my battery (purchased in May) is no longer under warranty. That's less than 6 months. Beautiful. They give me the numbers of Motorola (who made the thing and 'most likely' has a longer warranty) and the insurance company that services my equipment coverage plan.
13) Call insurance company. After 5 minutes of straight "WARNING, WE SUE PEOPLE, DO NOT FUCK WITH US. ALSO, YOU WILL NEED 800 STACKS OF PAPER TO GET YOUR REPLACEMENT" messages from the computer, hang up. I'm using prepaid minutes, here.
14) Call Motorola. They do not think they want to replace my battery, either.
15) Fine. Fuckit. Pack up to get ready to go to the DMV, anyway, get an address for a T-Mo store to just BUY a battery, then-
16) Phone rings. It's the guy from the west-coast company. He informs me that the info used to buy that stuff was all the correct billing info (meaning someone probably stole it from a website's db), and that the shipping address given was someone in VIETNAM. Since the order hadn't shipped (and he was of the opinion that when he got to this order, he would have called me, anyway, to ask if I was okay with sending $230 worth of leather electronics cases to Vietnam), he cancelled the order. My $230 should be back in my account within 24-48 hours.
17) Small victory. Yay. Pack up the cable modem to exchange at Comcast. Grab my info for the DMV.
18) Head out the door. Notice that I do not have my car keys. They are, in fact, at school.
19) Go back inside, replace the modem and DMV info. Pack up my laptop.
20) Come in to work to write this fucking blog post.

HOO. GOD. DAMN. RAY.

--Schmarty

Bwaaaahahahahahaha!!! Replacement plan my nuts!!

--Schmarty

A bunch of alcoholic fuckholes

--Schmarty

Operating condititons: 'where are we?' 'i don't know'... 'ok, let's get frunk'

--Schmarty

A coverband at 100% equals any GOOD band at negative 235%

--Schmarty

Hey, if you didn't know that Hunter was an evil shit out to get you... You do, now. I'm just the goddamn messenger.

--Schmarty

We don't tolerate muthafuckas

--Schmarty

I might've died. Except; people are wurthluss

--Schmarty

The internet is woeful and baleful without THEM!

--Schmarty

It reads: don't read this, as you night piss on your feet.

--Schmarty

Hunter's debut as a piece of shit - now and forever!!

--Schmarty

'this is jerknetwork'

--Schmarty

Persons of mobile development influence!

--Schmarty

Headed to death

--Schmarty

The guy in the middle is from Boost Mobile. He is a cuh-rack suh-moker.

--Schmarty

It's the Red vs Blue guys!?

--Schmarty

Paradise isle in a sea of NERDS!

--Schmarty

Free beer, assholes!!1!!one1!

--Schmarty

I wore these shoes in Hawaii. Also, I am drunk.

--Schmarty

Feature postproduction, or 'how it's really had to improve an active MMO'

--Schmarty

You know as much as I do

--Schmarty

Bird food!

--Schmarty

This is really good cheese dip

--Schmarty

"I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting touch tones at this time."

--Schmarty

View from the Iron Cactus

--Schmarty

We're late fa' work!!

--Schmarty

It turns out that we are here.

--Schmarty

Muthafuckin' Cesar Chavez means: we are in Austin

--Schmarty

We're eatin' it.

--Schmarty

Like we wouldn't end up here??!!!?

--Schmarty

Jerk Circle

--Schmarty

God probably wants you to shut-the-hell-up

--Schmarty

Stafford.m we have destroyed your room. ~~love, assholes

--Schmarty

Perfecto

--Schmarty

'I've got your picture right here!' All up in the sideburns... Ewwww

--Schmarty

Take it away?

--Schmarty

This conversation is over

--Schmarty

Fuck a whiskey conglomerate. Long live the real Jack Daniels!!

--Schmarty

Death Wish

It is too late!!! I have left her camera at home and am already on my way to Atlanta!!! There will be no pictures unless she puts them up when she gets home on Thursday!!!

Oh noes!!111!!1one!1exclamationpoint

--Schmarty

death threat

post amy's pics or that's it. this is your official warning

Shocking!

--Schmarty

Consumer Furniture++

--Schmarty

where men pay women to kiss them

--Schmarty

why do you want to be a bitch?

--Schmarty

what is wrong with cats?

--Schmarty

recursive phlogging

--Schmarty

Heh.

Rubber Nipple.

Walkin' the heck home

--Schmarty

Oh Hey Oh Yes All Right

If you haven't seen it, yet, you need to check out the Camura Comics section of my site. A Brand New^TM piece of the awesomeness puzzle allowing you to choose any images from the Camura archive (eventually, even upload your own) and turn them into 3-panel web comics of infinite wit and rapport, which I know all of my readers have.

--Schmarty

Sofa King Tired

--Schmarty

Lady and the Tramp?

--Schmarty

Red Chair is fuckin' awesome

--Schmarty

It does not fucking matter

--Schmarty

null

--Schmarty

Sinead says 'my phone is so much better

--Schmarty

They say it doesn't get creamier

--Schmarty

Sons Of Acworth = I Don't Know

--Schmarty

What The Fuck?

--Schmarty

Stare Down Contest!!

--Schmarty

Rocky Muthafuckin' Mtn.

--Schmarty

They're Gonna Fuck Us All Night?

--Schmarty

Hey, Look, It's Parade

--Schmarty

Take That, Subspace

--Schmarty

We totally had this guy's CD

--Schmarty

Totally Fuckin' Creepy

--Schmarty

More Times Square, Bitches!!!

--Schmarty

Times Square, Bitches!!

--Schmarty